Frustration

September 10, 2007 at 6:23 pm (Uncategorized)

Had a friend from out of town up this weekend, and it was a good thing – I had to pretend to be far more social and outgoing than I usually am (except around… close friends. There’s a lesson in here somewhere). I think I’m fast realizing that drinking makes me happy, in more than just a “social drinking” way. Is this the first step towards alcoholism? 😉 In many cases, I think it helps relieve my stress or anger over things that I can’t control – and not for a lack of trying. Suffice to say that the motivation I’ve alluded too (behind my new and improved “grown up” kick) often seems almost completely dashed right now – I didn’t really like what I saw, and I don’t know if I am being a bastard about it or not (Magic Eight Ball says “likely”). Either way, I need another kick in the ass, or an acceptance that the original motivation (and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what it is) is simply not a viable option, and never really was.

Its weird – I started this just as a place to rant, where I could do in what I figure is a certain anonymity (no names, context, or anything of the sort), but a part of me wishes I could just say this out loud. Internalizing is something I’ve gotten awfully comfortable with, and it may not be the fix-it I’ve always imagined it to be.

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